3 Weeks

Hi friends and family.

First of all, please excuse the grammatical errors- the result of a mexican keyboard, and posting the same blog over 3 websites.

I imagine several of you are a bit worried....calm down.

I have not been abducted by the drug cartel, nor have I ever been in any danger. ...haha...and I haven..t been taken as a wife by a hot Mexican who can dance. sad. lol...just kidding.

I have been working A LOT...so by the weekend, my mind is spent and the absolute last thing I want to do is spend days in front of the computer rehashing the good, bad, and ugly events of the week. I do enough of that Monday-Friday.

I have learned so much here...and I honestly am afraid to go home...but dont know that Id want to stay here. Im not looking forward to driving...and paying for gas...and the drama that comes with family and friends. ...or working...or obligations...and school work...or what I have to face when I step back on American soil for more than a few hours at a time. Im just not ready to go back to what my life was.

Sure...the constantly empty gas tank for the hot water and misquitos here are annoying. ...and sure...I get burned out with the kids by Tuesday and have to honestly seek the Lords strength to make it through to Friday.

But I like being away from the world....and I like that people look up to me...and appreciate the little things...and don..t say that I can..t because I..m not a professional, or because I have a past.

...but I miss snow. I miss out on being fed the Word of God. I hate that I..m missing hearing one of the missionary..s that was abducted in Afghanistan speak in Convo this week. I hate that I..m missing out on a good portion of my last semester as a student.

But I wouldn..t trade being here...in this season...for anything. ...even Africa.

I told you before that the enemy was beginning to attack the girls through their dreams. Thankfully...things have calmed down for them. This week was actually great in so many ways. ...but he has turned his attention to me. Two nights ago, my dreams were haunted by mistakes I can..t take back. I feel as though they are demons waiting for me to step off the last plane at the airport...ready to pounce and take over my life again.

...and I broke down this morning when a fellow teacher pulled me aside and asked me if I was mad yesterday. She asked me what was different...it wasn..t my hair as I..d thought...and she said that she doesn..t look at my clothes (thankfully- I..ve been recycling the same clothes for over a month now!)...she looks at my eyes.

I guess I didn..t realize how much weight all of this has put me under. I began to wonder yesterday if I..ve made a difference here for Christ at all. Have I accomplished any goals? Have I done anything here but babysit? What can these kids look back on me and remember me for? -That I was too strict? I..ve had two kids kicked out of my class...which is half of them. I desperately want the Lord to work through me and be glorified. I want to see victory come to these kids...something profound. But we can..t always see the fruit.The teacher was so encouraging...and I completely understood everything she said (I think)...though it was in fluent Spanish. ...when she prayed with me, a weight was lifted, and the gates hardening my heart to keep from burning out began to swing open. I forgot what it was like to share a burden and not need to walk this alone. Thank God. (and ps- I did explain that I wasn..t angry).

So I..m begging God to renew my strength. I..m panicked that I only have 3 weeks left. Three weeks to the date actually. Three weeks from tomorrow morning, I will be boarding a plane to go home. How can these three weeks absolutely exude Christ? How can I find the strength I..ve been missing the last couple of weeks? ...and what will my future look like? Am I coming back here?I don..t know. But I know I..m still growing and changing...and I still have a long way to go. I was really encouraged by a verse the Lord reminded me of in Matthew that says not to worry about tomorrow because each day has enough trouble of its own. ...I had that concept down for when I got home and for my summer etc...but had not applied it to the literal ¨tomorrow¨.

...so again...know that I..m okay. More than okay. I..m still where I..m supposed to be. ...and maybe a few weeks after I..ve gotten home and processed things...and finished several of my classes...you and I can sit down over coffee and catch up. I..ll need to be caught up on what I..ve missed, and what you..re learning. There..s so much strength in good community.

Until then, please continue to keep me in your prayers, as well as the kids and staff. The missionaries here are VERY concerned about the ¨gap¨they..ll have when I leave. ...though there are several girls looking at coming down. Please pray for them too.

Love you all.